you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
