It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
