Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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