No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
