A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
