You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
