that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
