she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
