can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
