I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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