New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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