There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
