apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
