If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I have aggressive nipples.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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