i think my tv is drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
