I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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