you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
