??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
