i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
