if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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