Banned from zoo.
Again?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
