So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
