I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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