I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it's like iHOP with fire
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Found the puke drawer
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
