Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
