So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
