I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
