apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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