Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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