Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The adults are the big ones right?
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