Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
