Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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