do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
