i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
