apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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