Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
