the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
