Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
