I just saw a hot homeless man
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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