I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
