Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
