All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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