I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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