i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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