I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
