This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
