she woke up with a sticky ear
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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