You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
