So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
