My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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